THE WORST MORNING OF MY ENTIRE LIFE

Buckle in and prepare for this roller coaster ride:

So the other day I had probably the worst morning of my entire life. However, the day began with a very positive outlook because it was my first day interning in the marketing department and they were going to take me on a trip to interview some people for a story blah blah blah work things. Anyway, I was super excited because marketing is potentially what I want to spend my life doing, so this opportunity was huge and I wanted it to go perfectly.

ANYWAY, I of course put on my best outfit so that I can look all professional and business-y and such, and people will take me seriously. The outfit consisted of a shirt and pencil skirt. Now as most pencil skirts are, it was form fitting but not overly tight; I was comfortable and it went on easily so there was absolutely no thought of worry in my mind (hindsight….).

So I get to work and the clock tics to 8:30 and it’s time for me to go to the marketing department which is in a different building from the one I’m usually in. So as I’m getting into the car to drive to the other building I go to sit down and feel my entire skirt rip right up the back. Like the entire seam that was holding my skirt together fully ripped from bottom to top. So I try not to panic and get up and look and MY ENTIRE BUTT IS OUT.  Like full on cheeks sticking out between the gap in my skirt and I have nothing on underneath except my underwear and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to stop everyone I come in contact with from seeing my butt!! *cue panic mode here*

Now of course I can’t go to my meeting like this unless I want to be fired for sexual harassment and indecent exposure. So I whip out of the parking lot and panic drive to my house. Obviously I’m going to be late for my meeting (which is totally not a good first impression but I’m pretty sure butt exposure is worse so…..), I get word to the marketing people that I’m going to be late because of a “wardrobe malfunction”, and they proceed to tell me that I can just meet them at the place we were supposed to go to when I fix my issues. So now I’m racing home with my bare ass sitting on my car seat, all the while laughing at the fact that this just happened to me and mentally warning myself to stop eating cookies so that my butt won’t bust out of things anymore!

When I get home I frantically throw on a pair of black pants and a white shirt and then get back in my car to drive to where I’m supposed to be. I’m finally calming down and getting over my mortification, and then realize that in all this chaos I hadn’t drank any of my coffee from that morning, which was still sitting in the cup holder beside me. So I pick up the cup and go to drink it and SPILL COFFEE DOWN MY WHITE SHIRT.

YES, THE SAME WHITE SHIRT THAT I JUST CHANGED INTO 10 MINUTES BEFORE.

So now I’m too far away from my house to go back and change, and I don’t want to risk being any more late than I already am, so I start mentally going over what my options are. Now, if this was a normal morning I would just go into work and go straight to the bathroom and clean it off as best I could, but in this instance I was going straight to a guided tour that was already in progress, in a place where I have no clue where the bathrooms are, so I basically have no option to clean myself when I get there.

In this moment a light bulb appears above my head and I remember that I have my water bottle with me and that I can use it to try to clean my shirt. As I go to grab it, I then continue to remember that the water bottle is empty because I had dumped it out that morning so that it wouldn’t spill in my bag *cue annoyed face here*. SO NOW I have approximately only a half tablespoon of water in the bottom of my bottle that I can use to clean the coffee off my shirt before meeting with a bunch of important corporate people! KEEP IN MIND THAT I AM STILL DRIVING AS ALL OF THIS IS HAPPENING.

So I get the water and I cautiously pour the teeniest bit onto my shirt. The stain appears to be blending in better, so I put the rest of the water on the stain that’s lower down. I can see that the coffee is still there, but it’s significantly better than it was, and is faded to the point where no one else should notice, but I’m also out of water so there isn’t much else I can do.

So crisis finally over right?

WRONG.

As I’m finally only a few minutes away from my destination I rub my eye and MY CONTACT FALLS OUT OF MY EYE AND ONTO MY LAP. So now I am driving around HALF BLIND as I attempt to put my contact back in. The A/C keeps blowing it off of my finger and every time I managed to get it in my eye, it falls back out. So I eventually have to pull over and put it in so that I won’t kill all the people around me or poke my own eyeball out. After my contact is in I drive off but I can tell that it doesn’t feel right. Because it’s inside out……… of course. I drive with the discomfort for awhile and then finally pull into the parking lot of my destination and take my contact out, invert it, and put it back in my eye before sprinting into the building to find out where everyone is.

I then awkwardly joined the already-in-progress tour with a look of shame and proceed to spend the rest of my morning trying to not look like a psychopath. Luckily, no one saw the coffee on my shirt and my eye ball didn’t fall out from car germs so the rest of the day was a success by comparison.

But don’t cry for me, cry for my skirt.

From me for you,

Julie

PSA: Keep a pair of clothes handy in your car in case your pants rip up the back.

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