Pretty much anyone who knows me or reads my blog will know that I’m beyond excited to go back to school. I mean I’ve only mentioned this about a billion times and though I am thrilled to be back (in 7 days), lately I’ve had this really moody, sad, depressed feeling that I can’t shake. At first I attributed it to just regular old moodiness, I mean everyone gets in their bag sometimes and I’m definitely no stranger to the feeling. However, the other day Delia texted saying that she was feeling depressed and called it “pre school depression”. I instantly knew that that was exactly what I was feeling and told her that I’d felt kind of depressed lately too. But here’s the catch…..I don’t know why? I mean I’ve been counting down the days until I’ll be back on campus for goodness sake, so why have I felt so weighed down lately? Well, I’ve come up with a few theories as to why back to college depression is a thing.
The thing is, this isn’t the first year I felt depressed before going back to school. Last year I spent the bulk of my last month of summer watching the tv show Greek (it’s a show about college students in greek life from like the mid-2000s. Great show, I recommend it). So as I’m watching this you’d think that I’d be getting super stoked to go to school (I mean the people on this show make it seem so fun), and though I was excited, at the same time I began to feel really depressed as I would sit and watch it. Looking back on it now I think maybe the depression came from the unknown. All of my friends were leaving for school and I was still home and was so ready to just be there but I felt like the wait was forever long. On top of this I think my nerves and anxiety to start college were adding to the depression. I was worried that I would get to school and that it wouldn’t be what I expected or that I wouldn’t make a ton of friends and live this awesome college life that they were having on the tv show. I think my anticipation of the worst in the back of my brain made me depressed.
However, if this is what made me depressed last summer than there should be no reason I’m depressed this summer, right? I mean, this is my second year, I know the campus and the professors, I have amazing friends, I’m living in a beautiful house with really fun people, I’ve found my path at Gettysburg, so what could be making me upset, or nervous, or anxious? Delia attributed her depression to just needing to be at school, she said that she was just over everything and wanted to be back on campus (essentially she’s depressed because she wants to be back but we still have seven days to wait). I think part of my depression is attributed to this. Similarly to last summer, people have started leaving for school and I’m just sitting here patiently waiting and it’s driving me crazy. Or maybe my depression is coming from the fact that my freshman year went by so quickly and now that sophomore year is here I’m scared that my whole college life is going to pass by before I even realize it.
But even more than this I think my theory of nerves and anxiety for back to school making me depressed is actually a large part of what could be going on. I think I’m anxious about what the year will hold. I mean, a lot of things in my life have kind of been up in the air lately; what sorority I’ll end up in, my friendship group dynamic, my boy relationships. I’m in an unclear state in all of these areas right now, and I think that might be making me depressed. I’m once again letting my subconscious imagine the worst (my dreams have been crazy lately) and it’s manifesting itself in this nagging sadness. I can’t determine what is going to happen this year but I know that things are definitely going to change and that’s what depresses me. I had the best freshman year I could’ve asked for, and though I know my sophomore year will be just as great (if not better), I think some part of my brain isn’t so sure.
So maybe this is where my back to college depression is coming from. Maybe I’m nervous, or anxious, or maybe I’m just really done with the hum-drum of my everyday summer life and am sad that I have to live it for one more week. Delia and I aren’t the only people to feel like this, and I honestly believe it’s a real thing that a lot of college kids face. But beyond all my random depressed states, I still am really excited to be back at school!
From me for you,